Some Thoughts About Restaurants In General

UTENSILS: Call her a snob, but Edna Earl hates to be asked to "Keep your fork, please." Anytime a waiter asks her to keep her fork, EE wants to say, "No, thank you." But she doesn't. She's polite and keeps her fork. Problem is, where is one supposed to keep it? Your plate is at that point in time being taken away (else you wouldn't be asked to keep your fork), so the only place left to keep said fork is on the table -- right? Well, Edna Earl says "Yuck!" -- on two counts: First, food from the fork could well soil the tablecloth or tabletop; second, the table might well contaminate the fork! EE just does not think it would be too much trouble or expense for restaurants to provide replacement utensils when some are taken away.

Further ruminations in the utensil department: Edna Earl hates plastic utensils. I mean, come on, folks -- stainless steel utensils are cheap. Edna Earl knows, because she admits to having bought them herself. Plus, they're reusable -- for years and years and years! EE just find it hard to believe that it's cheaper to buy, store, and continuously replace plastic utensils than it is to invest in some stainless utensils and a machine to wash them. Okay, EE realizes that a person will have to be employed to wash utensils, but she understands that dishwashers don't cost much.

Same goes for styrofoam "plates." And, on an ethical note -- Edna Earl is afraid that you're killing the universe with those plastic and styrofoam things.

DECOR: Please, no carpet on floors of restaurants! Nasty! Edna Earl doesn't even want to think about what might be lurking therein. Also, get rid of fluorescent lighting. Right now. Do it. And hide your &*%$ cleaning supplies. EE can't get over how many times she's been in a restaurant and cleaning supplies were in evidence. Except for those few rules, Edna Earl is very open-minded when it comes to restaurant decor. She likes everything from spartan to rococo -- provided the place is clean and friendly, and the lighting is appropriate.

SERVICE: Edna Earl wants a waiter who's nice. He or she doesn't have to be overly friendly -- in fact, EE would prefer that they not be -- she doesn't want a lot of apology, and she doesn't care to hear about said waiter's personal troubles. (There is a time and a place for that, EE opines, but when you're waiting her table is not the time.) What Edna Earl does want in a waiter is somebody who's nice to her. She absolutely does NOT want somebody who acts all snotty -- like EE's a stupid fool because she's not familiar with the place or might not know what some obscure menu item is.

Several of EE's own children have worked off and on in the food industry, so she knows that the life of a waiter is a difficult one. She appreciates the challenge. Believe me, she does. But she also appreciates, as the customer, being treated with respect. Most of the time that is exactly what she gets, but occasionally ...

NOISE LEVEL: Edna Earl really doesn't know what a restaurant can do, exactly, about its noise level, but often she's in a restaurant where the noise level just seems to her to be "off." Usually the place is too loud. EE likes to be able to carry on a conversation with others at her table, ya know. Very rarely she's in a place where the noise level is, weirdly enough, too low. That is, nobody's talking -- everything's all uptight and there's so little conversation that if EE does say something she feels as if everybody in the place hears her. Again, EE doesn't know exactly what a restaurant can do about this (except maybe consider "background music" and its effect?).

Now, one more thing: Unless this is a sports bar or some other special place, TURN OFF THE FRIGGIN' TV!

THE FOOD: No matter how formal or informal the restaurant, no matter how expensive or how inexpensive, no matter whether the decor is simple or elaborate, no matter where the restaurant is located, it should be obvious to any customer that the folks who run the place actually know something about food. Edna Earl is totally amazed that sometimes somebody throws up a restaurant, and opens the doors and starts serving something without knowing very much at all about food. Now, EE is not saying that one must be formally educated to know about food. No, no. A diploma from The Cordon Bleu School is absolutely not one of ol' Edna Earl's requirements. The very best cook EE ever knew probably didn't go to school a day in her life. She grew up in the backwoods of rural Georgia. But she knew more local ingredients and how to prepare them than anybody Edna Earl has met before or since -- and that knowledge revealed itself loud and clear in Mary Eva Ward's beyond superb cooking.